Tape starts recording
Can you state your name for the record?
Yes, of course! My name is Gillian, but all my friends call me Gilly. Also, just a side note before we start, I did not know you guys are still doing tapes. It has a cassette in there? Damn! Impressive shiz.
Erm, yeah. I should actually check with the department. We might be due for an upgrade. Anyway, start from the beginning. What did you witness?
Okay, so I was just going about my day with my boo. Gerald. OMG, you are going to love Gerald! He has got this totally amazing English accent, and his nose does this thing when he sneezes, it’s so adorable. This one time, he had the sniffles for a week, and it was the reddest nose, and I called him Rudolph for like a month after. You know, like Rudolph the coke-addict from next street? His nose is always red. It wa —
Miss Davies, if we could focus.
Yes, right. So, me and Gery were just chillin’, you know. the usual. We were just sitting on the park bench, being all legal and … Can I say dry-humping on this thing? Or is this rated PG? Do children listen to tapes these days? Anyway, Gery and I are still in that phase where dry-humping is super exciting, especially out in the public. Is that illegal? If it’s illegal, y’all can photoshop this audio to make it sound like I said holding hands? Coz I guess I am serious about Gery, but not serious-serious to go to jail for him. You know what I mean? Anyway, we were holding hands real tight, and suddenly Gery pushes me away, and that really pissed me off, because no one makes Mama edge like that without Mama’s permission. I was like “Gery, what the fuck!”. So I turn around and ask him. “Gery, what the fuck!”. And he just whimpers out that there’s a peacock watching.
A peacock?
I know! It did not explain anything! Why push me if a peacock’s watching? I mean I do some of my best work with an audience! Ask Patricia! Patricia has seen some nasty shit! Patricia’s my cat. She’s adorable.
But, then I got curious about this peacock, so I looked at where he was pointing. And I could see what he meant. That peacock was like the physical manifestation of throwing cold water in your face! He just stood there staring at us like we were the ones being nasty when he was the one snooping and not minding his own god-damn business!
The peacock was staring at you?
I’m telling y’all! That was some real-creepy shit right there! But that was not even the weird part. Another peacock joined in and started staring at me and Gery. And in like a few seconds, another another peacock joined. Bunch of pervs just getting off watching me with Gery. And by then the moment was gone, and I figured Gery and I should leave and find a public bathroom or something, but then out of nowhere, there were like a thousand peacocks surrounding us, all staring at us.
I’ll need you to be more specific Miss Davies. Was it literally a thousand peacocks?
Eh, maybe like 30. But it was still scary. And then out of nowhere, the park bench we were on starts to move. So Gery and I start running away, coz I ain’t dying in no earthquake surrounded by some dumbfuck pervert birds.
But the rest of the ground wasn’t shaking, and we turn around, and just where the park bench was, there was a giant hole, and from it, this giant dude dressed in a peacock costume came flying out. And then that hot stuff from the news channels, who has been saving the city, the *snaps fingers* cool guy with the boring name…
Steve?
Steve, that’s it. He comes out, and before we know it, the peacocks start attacking him and pecking at him. Must be some weird fetish for them, but he was not enjoying it. And then he just started punching the peacocks left and right with those muscular arms of his. It was insane! And then, when everyone else was unconscious, I asked him for his autograph, but he did not have a pen. And I did not have a pen. And Gery did not have a pen! I mean who even carries a pen anymore. So I just asked him for a selfie, but guess what, I was out of battery! My phone was recording this entire time because I like to record Gery and my times smushing. And then the dude had to fly off. I think he said his Pizza is coming or something, I’m unsure. Don’t think that dude ever ate carbs in his life!
Wait, you have a recording of the entire incident? Can we have a copy?
Oh yeah, of course. I’ll send you the entire thing. Try not to get too turned on officer, you are still on duty.
Thank you Miss Davies, you have been of great assistance!
Ain’t no thing, but a chicken wing! Can I go now? I promised Kristina I’ll be looking after her cat this evening. If you can keep a secret, I am trying to get Skittles to impregnate Patricia so Kristina and I can become like family.
Well, all the best with that Miss Davies. Have a great day ahead.
Tape stops recording
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